Some of the things that annoy you about your partner or spouse, you once loved very much.
The process from loving it to hating it is usually unconscious and involves a re-framing or re-labeling.
You fell in love with her attention-to-detail, but ten years later her “perfectionism” drives you up the wall.
You fell in love with his peaceful nature, but 20 years in, you are fed up with how “passive” he is.
30 years ago you thought her rebellious stance was erotic. Today you think of her as “obnoxious”.
30 years ago, his aggressive side turned you on. Today you consider it “toxic”.
To see the gradual negative re-frame requires a lot of self-honesty. What are some things that annoy you about him or her? And is it possible that there was a time you loved those exact qualities?
Regardless of whether you plan on staying or leaving, it’s wholesome to acknowledge this.
Through appreciation of things that normally annoy you, you gain a better experience of the other.
Appreciation means you see the value of a character trait or quality – like you used to when you first met the person.
You can extend this exercise to anything that annoys you about another. If you feel your teenage son spends too much time on shooting-games, you could re-frame it to mean that he is learning skills of focus, strategy, calm in combat, reaction and more. And through appreciation you have a better chance of influencing him than through nagging. Just one example.
While some things are just plain good or bad, regardless of what frame you put them in, many things become good or bad through mind-tricks you play on yourself.
This applies not only to people. There are activities and objects that annoy you that you once loved…if you look beyond the shallow, you see it.
